Dear Boston Common Trees

Posted on June 5, 2010


Dear Boston Common Trees,

I just want you to know that I hate you. I loathe you. I absolutely despise your existence. I’ll have you know you almost got away with it, you stupid fornicating trees. The first sneeze and I thought, “Oh no, it’s the Noro-virus.” Twenty-four hours went by and still no projectiling vomit had found its way into my life. “Fuck,” I thought to myself as a wave of nausea hit one morning. “Morning sickness.” Lies, yet again, the truth of the matter is that you and your sperm have invaded my body and over activated my immune system. “Allergies,” I grumbled and stared out my window overlooking the Boston Commons to glare at you, the culprit.

The Weather Channel is assuring me that the amount of your sperm in the air is “high.” With these elevated warnings comes a series of symptoms. These include itchy, watery eyes that irritate my contacts, embarrassing sneezes, and mucus filling my nasal passages. Are you aware of how sexually unattractive faucet nose is? How am I suppose to kiss my guy if every two second I’m racing to the bathroom before runny disgustingly fluid mucus finds its way dripping out of my nose and pushing closer to his mouth. That’s gross! And it’s your fault. Sure springtime is in the air, and maple over there sure looks bumptious, but don’t you think you could keep it down? My sex life never bothered you did it?


Dear Anne,

I do believe you are over reacting (just like your immune system.)  The Boston Commons Trees Council have all declared you a threat to our existence and have promptly ordered your allergies to become worse. We will up our quota of “fornicating ways,” as you put it and gladly produce a large set of off spring to haunt you and your future children for many, many years.

Hope you enjoy the lovely springtime weather,

Boston Common Trees Council

PS: Your sex life doesn’t bother us because it is non-existent.

Dear Boston Common Trees and your whorish ways,

I am in fact loathing the sunny weather with a high of 75 degrees. While you get to enjoy being young and fruitful, having tree sex at all hours of the day and night, I am stuck trying out the different antihistamine products at the unnaturally cold CVS down the street. Are you aware how much it cost to cover allergies? A box of Claritin is 10 dollars! Do you know how many Dr. Peppers I can buy with that at the Food Lion grocery store? One can of Dr. Pepper is 50 cents.  That makes 20. You are cheating me out of 20 Dr. Peppers, and countless sleep filled nights (sans coughing, sneezing and itchy watery eyes)

Looking forward to Fall when you all kick the bucket,


PS: My sex life is so much better than yours. While you have to send your stupid sperm in the wind and pray for the best, I get to experience the thrill of the hunt.

Dear Anne,

If you had paid attention, you could have gotten the CVS brand (which is the exact same as Claritin) for five dollars. So in reality, we are only cheating you out of 10 Dr. Peppers. Besides, your thighs will thank us.

My goodness it’s nice out!

Boston Common Trees Council

PS: You couldn’t find a lover if your life depended on it. Who is going to date someone with faucet nose after all?

Dear Whores,

I feel like my thighs hate you. Because I hate you. George Washington had it right when he cut down the cherry tree.

In much disgust,


PS: The Claritin didn’t even work. I had to empty my pockets to buy Zertec. Zertec! That’s 14 dollars. You owe me 28 Dr. Peppers. And there isn’t a CVS brand for cheaper. I looked.

PPS: You wouldn’t know if I could find a lover because you’re stationary. While you are rooted to ground and cannot leave the Boston Commons to look for Honey Bunches of Oats over in the Boston Gardens, I can. She says it never would have worked. She’s far too classy for the likes of someone as common as you.

Dear Anne,

You should remember if it weren’t for us, you wouldn’t have any oxygen to breath.

Boston Common Trees Council

PS: There was a CVS brand of Zertec. It’s behind the CVS brand of Claritin.

Dear Clusterfuck of Whores,

It’s because of you and your fornicating ways that I can’t breathe in the first place! And how do you guys even have a council? When do you meet? How do you meet? You can’t even walk! And these letters, you’re writing them on paper. Isn’t that like writing on your cousin? You bitchy back stabbing whores.


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